joi, 28 mai 2009

The empty streets....

I remember that some years ago i got at a poem contest a book signed by a nice poet and journalist Radu Herjeu. He wrote me on the first page: "To Olivia, a life full of crossroads". What he wanted to tell me? I didn't understood...
I always liked to spend quality time with friends ...but also i like to spend time by myself...to think, write or just doing nothing...I like to go alone shopping...i think its the best way to find what are you looking for...because none can distract your attention or hurry you. I like to think of myself as a different person than the ones around me...not better...just different.
I don t know why i began to write about myself tonight...mybe because i m trying to make the courage to leave ....Where? Good question...The answer: I don t know.
Untill 1 hour ago i thought that my feelings weren t wrong and that i don t depend on a decision over a thing. I always thought is a bad thing to depend on something. But now...now i m tired....I m tired to hear everytime the same lines...to thibk at the same things...if the shop closes. I m tired of being stressed everyday and asking myself what shoud i do if the shop closes. And how i ended here? To depend on this? I don t realy know now...but looking behind , 1 hour ago... i thought ...even i never heared it that he loves me...and that we are going to be together even if the shop closes.
Why i believed that? Because i gave everything to this relationship. I was 100% and i did this because i thought he cares also...that i m not just ...while i m here. But i guess i was wrong. With the simple calm of a man that i have loved almost 2 years that is telling me..if this thing happens...i leave this city...And me???
It s night and the streets are empty now. You can drive a car in the black fresh air of the night without none realising where your headed... Its empty my soul also...because i wasn t good enough, beautiful enough to be loved ....by the only man i wished i were