The empty streets....

I remember that some years ago i got at a poem contest a book signed by a nice poet and journalist Radu Herjeu. He wrote me on the first page: "To Olivia, a life full of crossroads". What he wanted to tell me? I didn't understood...
I always liked to spend quality time with friends ...but also i like to spend time by myself...to think, write or just doing nothing...I like to go alone shopping...i think its the best way to find what are you looking for...because none can distract your attention or hurry you. I like to think of myself as a different person than the ones around me...not better...just different.
I don t know why i began to write about myself tonight...mybe because i m trying to make the courage to leave ....Where? Good question...The answer: I don t know.
Untill 1 hour ago i thought that my feelings weren t wrong and that i don t depend on a decision over a thing. I always thought is a bad thing to depend on something. But now...now i m tired....I m tired to hear everytime the same lines...to thibk at the same things...if the shop closes. I m tired of being stressed everyday and asking myself what shoud i do if the shop closes. And how i ended here? To depend on this? I don t realy know now...but looking behind , 1 hour ago... i thought ...even i never heared it that he loves me...and that we are going to be together even if the shop closes.
Why i believed that? Because i gave everything to this relationship. I was 100% and i did this because i thought he cares also...that i m not just ...while i m here. But i guess i was wrong. With the simple calm of a man that i have loved almost 2 years that is telling me..if this thing happens...i leave this city...And me???
It s night and the streets are empty now. You can drive a car in the black fresh air of the night without none realising where your headed... Its empty my soul also...because i wasn t good enough, beautiful enough to be loved ....by the only man i wished i were

HAPPILY NEVER AFTER

I wish i could instantly write a love poem to describe my lovely boyfriend...as, i'm not so good these days at poetry, i choose to photograph him everyday with my eyes and save those shots in my heart and let the world know how much i love him...


I meant to strat writing these lines long ago...but i always hesitated...thinking how i would feel reading...in time these words...and remembering everything.
I'm sad tonight like i have been lately because things happen' arround me and i can't do anything to stop them...to turn them into good things. Dragutelul meu...i waited so much to meet you...i didn't knew it will be you exactly the person i was wating here..in cluj...but i realised that in time. I fall inlove with your smile...althought i hated it at the beginning ...and thought you are un-attractive...the night when we when out and you took me to the coffe-shop in sigma.You were talking, and probably trying to impress me...but i coludn't understand what you were saying..i was just looking ...you had something, i colundn't say what ...but i liked it. As we keep on meeting i began to know you...and i discovered a wonderful person. I knew back then you weren't allowed for me..you were taken. I spend the hollidays that time trying to convince myself i shouldn't see you anymore..in other way than just friend...or acquaintance, and went partying every nite, met guys, girls, drunk a lot, got kissed with different guys to see and to prove to myself i don't care. But the harder i tried to lay to myself...the less i began to believe in my lay.
After we meet again...i couln't see you so unhappy...so sad...and i tried to do everything i could to help you pass the situation...and to respect your decisions. It was hard for me...to know i made love with you and you were thinking at the other. Then i decided to leave your life...i looked for another job...i said to myself i will have everything ready untill you come back from your Eastern vacantion in Greece. But you send me messages...and everyday that passed and you were there i missed you so much...i got butterfiles in my stomac thinking of you coming back...i remembered how good i felt when we went to Iasi and we stayed there..without none knowing us...i could fell your hand in mine...i could fell your breath in the mornings...and you came back...and i was so happy...and you made me yours in a way that none did...and never will.
I had greath moments...greath vacantion in greece...greath breakfasts in the bed that served as table, greath coffees, greath gifts. I had the best birthday in my life...just because i was with you...in your arms. I had greath moments...best of all...I learned a lot about myself, about love and relationship...and i learned how to love. I descovered myself and you....you that are everything i ever wished in a man...in the man that will stand next to me.
I believe we can only find true love once in a life...that ridiculous, uttter, romantic and passionate love. I found it...and i enjoyed it for a while. I tried to protect it...to make it grow...but not everything depended on me. You may say time heals everything, time will help you forget, time will bring other love or other emotions, time will give you that chance to meet other greath guys.But guess what? I don't want time to pass, i don't need it to help me do anything, i don't and i will not want to replace anything....cause my dragutel is unique, he was ....the one for me....eventhought i wasn't for him.
I promissed to myself i will go one day alone for a vacantion in greece. I want to discover as much as i will have the chance that country...to visit places and to believe that he once was there. Maybe one day he will understand how much i loved him...maybe not...maybe we will meet someday...somehow....but i know i will always keep his face in my heart.
I wish one day he will love someone the way i love him...and that person will love him back the same way...i wish he will be as happy as he deserves...

...the end

I always imagined the end in a tragic way..like i will feel pain or like i coludn't find the strenght to breath by my self again...but today when it happened i didn't knew how to react...what to say...i was to be furious, upset...but i was just wordless and empty...i felt a sensation of emptyness. I saw the pictures that he probably forgot to delete and when he told some friend of him send him those i knew he was telling me a lie...i could see it in his eyes...they were emply of sense, of everything. Then was the end. The end of a love i protected so much and i gave up almost everything for it. The end of the good me...the end of everything i built and the end of my feelings...that i raised them like a little child. My memories? I left them beside, now i don't need them anymore...because everything is gone...a year and a half? that zero now...is the end...

the thought of giving up

Everything began when we decided to move togheter, just the two of us...for a while...until i leave of he leaves. Then began a nightmear. We looked for a pleace but everything was too little for him...because he had something in his mind..to move in an apartment in the same bilding as his greek friend. The problem is that that apartment isn t free and will not be until...we don't know the date.
Here where i stay...it became so bad that i can't stand to stay home...because here is not my home..when everyone screams and no one cares for me. I just feel that everyone wan't to take advantage of me, that they take me by stupid...and i try so much and i work and i gave up so many things ...and everything i do is not good. I'm just the stupid that everyone wants to take advantage off.
I think sometimes to give up ...and go home...where the only people that love me are...i just need a break...its christmas in a few days and i want to be also for me...I need a break

nasty thoughts

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so much it hurts to sleep at nights?

realitatea

Astazi am avut o zi grea...m-am trezit de dimineata de tot pentru ca sa am grija ca el sa nu fi uitat nimic inainte sa plece pentru cateva zile. Apoi am mai incercat sa dorm 1ora dar sunetul ceasului m-a trezit mult prea repede. Am ajuns la Polus, am avut multe acte de facut, tot felul de probleme pentru ca la amiaza sa ma sune verisoara mea. Ea e in Cluj. De doua saptamani sta aici in spital, a fost operata la plaman...de cancer. M-a sunat sa-mi spuna ca maine pleaca acasa si ca ar trebui sa ne mai intalnim o data. Pe la 6 seara ajung la spital si prin amabilitatea unei doamne de la poarta reusesc sa ma strecor in sala de asteptare si sa povestesc cu Roxana. Am povestit tot felul...mai mult in legatura cu spitalele, medici, operatii,asistente, diagnostice si...moarte. Imediat au trecut 2 ore si trebuia sa plec. Afara la usa spitalului pe scarile de gresie reci ...aproape inghetate un barbat alaturi de un baiat cu plete. Mi-au atras atentia. Baiatul statea in picioare, sprijinit fumand dintr-o tigara si se uita in jos..desi privirea lui era rece...inghetata ca si scarile. Tatal, aprox. 55 ani statea jos, pe scarile reci, cu mainile impreunate...plangand...L-am intrebat daca pot ajuta si am primit drept raspuns replica: A murit! si un urlet de durere...Incepuse sa ploua..era foarte frig acolo...si domnul statea in continuare acolo jos. Am vrut sa plec..dar ceva ma oprea. Doamna de la poarta iese dupa cei doi...ii cheama inauntru sa astepte acolo...ii intreaba de ce stau afara in frig iar tatal raspunde ca a fost dat afara de doamna doctor.

Reusesc sa ma desprind de scena asta si ma intrept spre casa. Imi vine sa plang...pe drum merg fara sa vad oamenii care trec pe langa mine...in minte imi apare doar scena cu cei doi de la spital si imi rasuna in urechi cuvantul moarte...oare de ce a murit sotia/mama lui? oare cati ani avea? oare a suferit? oare se asteptau? Multumesc ca parintii mei sunt sanatosi..ii iubesc mult si mi-e dor de ei.

old times

my best friend once...miss her sometimes..all the times